burnt out (???)

today, i read all the things i have posted, all the things i have written and typed and i couldn't believe it all came from my mind. i couldn't believe that my brain was able to string all those words together.

i haven't been writing. i haven't been writing for myself. my mind is so occupied with school and other stuff that i may have unlearned how to write for myself. i've been writing, forming paragraphs, but not for me or for my Russell, but for the people who required me to write. it was academic. no feelings involved. all the deadlines, the scores to reach, expectations to be met, have burnt out my brain and i can no longer spill words for myself. i can no longer let the ink bleed for pleasure. all the stress have taken over the part of me that writes and even reads for enjoyment. the stress took the girl who writes and reads away. she is gone.

i miss writing. i miss the person who could write for herself and for her beau. i hope she comes back soon.

status: empty

She tried to type in, "I need someone."

But what if...

That specific someone that you really needed can't be with you at the moment. What would you do then?

We have been through this before. Last December. Things were different then. We're very much closer now. A lot has happened and there's a lot to miss. I'll miss his company. I'll miss the comfort he gives every after shitty class that I have. He's the only person that I could bear to be with (aside from Speanuts, of course).

It's only a month, yes. But a month seems to move very slow. That's too many pages in my journal without him beside me. 8, 593 miles! Our distance isn't measured by hours, it's measured by two different timezones, not measured by meters or kilometers but MILES! Thousands of miles! And it's physically painful knowing that he won't be there to wait for me after my classes. That he won't be there to accompany me in going home. 

"Nakaya mo naman na wala siya dati, diba? Bakit hindi ngayon?" 

That is because I have experienced being with him that going back to NOT having him around is very difficult. 

I hope that this month will feel like a breeze and I'll be hugging him soon. 

I will miss you, my love. Come home, soon.

do i make you proud?

A while ago, my mom went to a reunion with her high school friends. I went along with her. The other moms were talking about the achievements of their children, showing them off and bragging about the things their children have reached while my mom didn't join the conversation. She didn't say a word about me.

It made me think.

You'll know you have never achieved anything if your mom's friends are talking about how great their children are while your mother remained silent about you.

Have I not achieved anything great? Have I not done anything remarkable?

Or are my efforts just not enough to make my parents proud? 

I felt really really bad. When will they be proud of me? Or will they ever be proud of me?

just know that i love you

TO: RR


I love you with every piece of my piece of shit heart.

It may have been broken before and some pieces are still on the floor, just know that every piece, beats for you.

You are the suture to my wounded heart. You became the healer of what's broken. You are continuously picking up the pieces and putting them back together. Thank you, my love. I am grateful.

You probably don't know this, but now you do.

I love you with every piece. I am also trying to make my heart better because you deserve more than just pieces. You deserve my whole, unbroken heart. This doesn't mean that I don't love you as a whole. I love you, I really do. What I mean is that you deserve more than me having trust issues, doubts and the anxiety that you will eventually leave me. No. You don't deserve these doubts because, you are good. By God, you are so good that sometimes I don't feel like I don't deserve you because I never had anything good in my life. Until you.

Just know that I love you. Yes, I am a mess sometimes. Yes, I am sometimes unkind to you. But I love you. I love you with all of my piece of shit heart. I  don't show and say it much but I do love you. Please, be patient. I'm still trying to piece myself back together and you're helping me with it. I don't want to lose the only good thing in this life.

I cherish you above anything else in my life.

-f

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woooh shettt booyyy i thought i was number one hahaha

lesson learned: do not assume unless otherwise stated

edit: unless otherwise shown by action